


Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May

by battyfanging



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - 1989, Coming Out, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Introspection, M/M, Pining, Suicide, Temporarily Unrequited Love, and say the f word because its not a pg13 movie, basically it's better because they can be gayer, i was born in 2002 so anachronisms are likely, pretty much just the movie but it takes place the same year it came out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2019-11-07 07:17:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/battyfanging/pseuds/battyfanging
Summary: In 1989, 16-year-old Todd Anderson is nervous to start his senior year at the prestigious school his older brother excelled in. After befriending his roommate, Neil Perry, he is adopted by Neil's friends: Charlie Dalton, Knox Overstreet, Steven Meeks, Gerard Pitts, and, Richard Cameron. Encouraged by the lessons of their unusual new English teacher, Mr. Keating, the boys revive a group known as the Dead Poets Society, a group that Mr. Keating himself took part in. This secret club opens the door to self-exploration, self-expression, deep friendship, and even romance.





	1. First Impressions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd's first day at Welton somehow goes worse than expected.

The blaring of bagpipes filled the ancient, cobweb-infested room. A parade of teenage boys donning banners filed into the room. Their leader, in Highland dress and no doubt the most uncomfortable of the group, was the source of the discordant music. To those who had been there before, the ceremony (often referred to as the “funeral procession”) was comedic, although they would sooner die than laugh aloud. To those who had never set foot inside the school before that nerve-wracking day, it was a confusing and intimidating affair.

Todd Anderson was scared out of his mind.

The music stopped abruptly as soon as everyone was in their place. A man in some sort of ceremonial robe stood at the center of the pulpit. Todd guessed that must be Headmaster Nolan, but he couldn’t know for sure. If it was, though, this made him even less excited to meet him.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced, “the Light of Knowledge.”

An off-key organ played as an ancient man lit the candles of the group of boys at the front of the audience. Although it was Todd’s first year, he was not among them. The privilege of receiving the Light of Knowledge was reserved for Welton’s youngest: the incoming sixth-graders.

“One-hundred and thirty years ago, in 1859,” the man who had announced the light spoke again, “forty-one boys sat in this room, and were asked the same questions that will now greet _you_ at the start of each semester. Gentlemen, what are the four pillars?”

Todd tried his best to shrink into the background when everyone stood up, but his father urged him to play along. He stood silently as the rest of the crowd recited the same words inscribed on the four banners.

_“TRADITION.”_

_“HONOR.”_

_“DISCIPLINE.”_

_“EXCELLENCE.”_

Everyone sat down and the speech went on.

“In her first year, Welton Academy graduated five students. Last year we graduated fifty-one, and more than seventy-five percent of those went on to the Ivy League!”

This detail was met with thunderous applause. This only reminded Todd just how high the stakes were; in the impending year he would need to perform flawlessly if he wanted to keep up. The boasting went on, as if the forty-or-so Ivy League-bound Welton graduates weren’t proof enough just how prestigious it was supposed to be.

“ _This_ kind of accomplishment is the result,” he said, “of fervent dedication to the principles taught here. This is why you parents have been sending us your sons. _This_ is why we are the best preparatory school in the United States!”

More applause.

The sentiment was the same as at his old school. Welton may have a better reputation that Balincrest, but they gave the same bogus _this is why you spend thousands of dollars on tuition every year_ pitch.

The man in the robe interrupted the ovation, “As many of you know, our beloved Mr. Portius of the English department retired last term. You will have the opportunity later to meet his replacement: Mr. John Keating.”

A man, apparently younger than most of the other teachers in the assembly, rose to his feet.

“Himself an honors graduate of this school, and who, for the past several years, has been teaching at the highly regarded Chester School in London…” He waited to allow the crowd to clap. “Mr. Portius will be missed. However, we will use this opportunity to give Mr. Keating a warm welcome…”

Todd felt the display coming to an end, which only worsened his anxiety. As bad as it was, afterward he would be forced to meet his fellow students.

“Boys, you have an important year ahead of you… No doubt a challenging one… But each and every one of you gentlemen have the ability to succeed. Tradition. Honor. Discipline. Excellence. These are the keys to attaining this success, to overcoming the challenges that you will confront at the beginning of each year. With effort and dedication, this academic year can be not only manageable, but rewarding. The Light of Knowledge may help guide your way through especially dark times, but the ultimate power,” he gave a thoughtful pause, “lies in you.”

His monologue adjourned the ritual, prompting the crowd to rise from their seats and rush towards the door. Todd and his parents struggled to leave the crowded chapel. After much waiting, slinking past hordes of students and their families, and countless “excuse me’s,” it seemed Todd was finally free. Just as he was about to leave, though, his mother grabbed his shoulder. He turned to see his father shaking the assumed headmaster’s hand.

“Thrilling ceremony as usual, Dr. Nolan,” he said.

Headmaster Nolan smiled cordially. “You’ve been away too long.”

“Hello, Dr. Nolan,” Todd’s mother greeted, still holding onto his arm. “This is our youngest, Todd.”

Todd reached out to shake Dr. Nolan’s hand.

“Mr. Anderson, you have some big shoes to fill, young man,” he said. “Your brother was one of our finest.”

Todd nodded awkwardly. “Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

“Overstreet, Perry, Dalton, Anderson, Cameron…”

The five boys pushed past their classmates and made their way up the stairs. Todd followed the other four, who looked like they knew where they were going, to Dr. Nolan’s office. They all seemed to know each other, making Todd feel out of place.

It was a large room, dark despite the high windows, and filled with the scent of stale cigar smoke. Dr. Nolan sat at his desk, placed towards the middle of the room, intently reading over a roster. He did not greet the boys immediately, but when they started to line up in front of his desk, he took off his reading glasses.

“Welcome back, Mr. Overstreet,” he said. “Has your family moved into their new house yet?”

“Yes, sir,” the boy all the way to Dr. Nolan’s right answered. “We moved in about a month ago.”

“I hear it’s beautiful,” he added unconvincingly. “Mr. Cameron, how’s your father?”

“He’s doing fine, sir.”

Dr. Nolan grabbed something from his desk and dropped it onto the floor, which prompted unidentifiable crunching sounds. Todd looked around the room confusedly, until he saw a tail wagging from behind the desk.

“Mr. Anderson,” he said, “let me explain that at Welton, _I_ assign all extracurricular activities, based on merit and desire. These activities are to be taken just as seriously as classwork. Right, boys?”

“Yes, sir,” they all agreed.

“Failure to attend required meetings will result in demerits,” Dr. Nolan added, putting his reading glasses back on. “Mr. Dalton… School newspaper, service club, soccer, rowing.”

Todd looked towards the middle of the group, trying to figure out who everyone was. Dalton said nothing, but his expression showed that he was the one being acknowledged.

“Mr. Overstreet… Welton Society Candidates,” he added, sounding impressed, “school newspaper, soccer, Sons of Alumni Club.”

“Yes, sir,” Mr. Overstreet said solemnly.

“Mr. Perry, Welton Society Candidates, chemistry club, mathematics club, soccer, school annual…”

Todd’s ears perked up at this statement, and he looked between the different members of the group. “Perry” was supposed to be his roommates name. Neil Perry, if he remembered correctly. By process of elimination, he was either the one standing second to last down the line. Unless there were _two_ Welton seniors with the last name. 

“Mr. Cameron, Welton Society Candidates, debate club, rowing, service club, forensics, Honor Council.”

“Thank you, sir,” Cameron said, the only one in the group smiling. 

“Mr. Anderson,” Dr. Nolan addressed Todd harshly. At least, Todd thought so. “Based on your record at Balincrest: soccer, service club, school annual.”

Todd looked at him confusedly, opening and closing his mouth for a few seconds.

Dr. Nolan took his glasses off, squinting at him.

“What? Anything else I don’t know about?”

He shook his head for a second, starting to speak but stopping himself.

“Well _speak up_ , Mr. Anderson,” Dr. Nolan scolded.

“I—I—” Todd felt the other four staring at him with disdain as he stammered. His father’s voice came into his head, forcing him to speak: _Five years of speech therapy and you still have that damn stutter, Todd?_ “I p-prefer rowing, sir…”

He could hear everyone in the room holding their breath.

“Rowing? Did you say rowing?” Nolan looked over the roster. “It says here you played _soccer_ at Balincrest.”

“Yeah, I did, but I—”

“You’ll _like_ soccer here, Mr. Anderson.”

Todd clenched his jaw and nodded. He meant to add a _“yes, sir”_ but he felt as if the second he opened his mouth he might cry. As someone who cried easily, he could tell when he was close to tears. Normally, he wouldn’t care so much about his extracurriculars. He _hated_ soccer. It was too competitive and, more importantly, he just wasn’t any _good_ at it. He tried to just stop thinking about it. It seemed silly to get all worked up over it when there was nothing he could do, anyway.

“Alright, boys. Dismissed.”

Todd sighed as he walked out, remembering that his roommate was among the audience of his folly. He walked fast, trying to break away from the rest. As soon as he made it to the courtyard, though, the one who was probably Neil Perry caught up with him.

“Hey,” he said, “I hear we’re gonna be roommates.” He reached out to shake Todd’s hand. “I’m Neil Perry.”

Well, that cleared things up. 

Todd, detecting that Neil had gotten over the contempt he held in Dr. Nolan’s office, felt somewhat relieved. “Todd Anderson.”

“Why’d you leave Balincrest?” was Neil’s first question. Todd expected to get that question at least once. It seemed strange to leave one school for another just before your senior year.

“My brother went here,” he answered, leaving out, _and I have to live up to his name._

Neil said, “Oh, so you’re _that_ Henderson.”

Todd wondered for a moment if he was hearing him correctly, but he pretty distinctly said Henderson. He just nodded, not wanting to correct him.

“Yeah…”

Even though Neil didn’t realize his mistake, Todd was glad he wasn’t the only one to make a bad first impression.


	2. The Boys are Back in Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil catches up with friends, tries to get to know his new roommate, and has an unpleasant conversation with his father.

Neil fought his way past rowdy returning students, stopping briefly to acknowledge friends and acquaintances who wanted to say hello. He found his dorm room, double checking the names on the open door. Two small, white cards were secured onto it. The one on the bottom read, “Perry, Neil,” the one on the top, “Anderson, Todd.”

 _Oh,_ A _nderson…_

He walked in and set his bags down, trying to remember where he’d heard the name before. He vaguely recalled sitting through a valedictory speech delivered by a Jeffrey Anderson, but that must have been when Neil was in _middle_ school. Neil was trying to remember what he looked like, searching for some potential family resemblance, but his thought process was interrupted by Cameron standing in the doorway.

“Neil! Heard you got the new kid. Looks like a _stiff!_ ” He laughed as Todd slipped past him into the room.

Neil smiled at Cameron scattering after a quiet “oops.”

“Don’t mind Cameron. He was born with a foot in his mouth, if you know what I mean.” He laughed softly, but stopped when Todd didn’t say anything.

“Rumor has it,” someone said from outside the room. “ _You_ did summer school.”

Neil grinned, turning. “Yeah. Chemistry. My father thought I should get ahead.” He went to greet his friends. “How was your summer, _slick?_ ”

Charlie Dalton shook Neil’s hand, smirking. “ _Keen._ ”

Knox Overstreet and Steven Meeks stood on either side of Charlie, and Neil moved to the side to let his friends into the room.

Charlie snapped his fingers. “Meeks. Door. _Closed._ ”

The three boys took seats around the room. Knox and Charlie had been briefly introduced to Todd in Nolan’s office, but neither of them paid him any mind.

Neil leaned against the radiator. “Gentlemen, what _are_ the four pillars?”

The room, excluding Todd, who was putting his clothes away, spoke in hushed unison, “ _Travesty. Horror. Decadence. Excrement._ ”

Charlie laid back on Neil’s bed as he lit a cigarette. “Anyway, study group… Meeks obviously aced Latin, I didn’t _quite_ flunk English, so if you want, there’s our study group.”

“Sure,” Knox said. “Cameron asked me earlier. Unless you’d be too miserable including him.”

Charlie scoffed. “What’s _his_ specialty, bootlicking?”

“He’s _your_ roommate,” Neil teased.

“That’s not my fault.”

“I don’t like him either, Charlie,” Knox said, “but it’s not like we can just tell him _no.”_

Meeks noticed Todd glancing over at the group.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said. “My name is Steven Meeks.”

Neil leaned forward to pat Todd on the shoulder. “Sorry, this is, uh, Todd Anderson.”

“Nice to meet you,” Todd said.

“Charlie Dalton.”

“Knox Overstreet.”

Knox shook Todd’s hand, Charlie didn’t.

“Todd’s brother went here,” Neil added, taking a drag from Charlie’s cigarette. He wouldn’t light his own. Charlie was fine with getting caught, but Neil was a little more cautious.

“Oh, sure,” Charlie said. “Jeffrey Anderson, right?”

Todd nodded hesitantly.

“I remember old Jeff. National Merit Scholar. Valedictorian of the Class of _Nineteen-Eighty-Four_. Got some big shoes to fill.” Charlie, of course, had never met him in his life, but always seemed to jump at the chance to be a jerk if he thought it was funny.

“Well,” Meeks said, “Welcome to Hell-Ton!”

“It’s every bit as tough as they say. Unless you’re a genius like Meeks,” Charlie said.

“He flatters me. That’s why I help him with Latin.”

“And English, and Trig…” Charlie added.

“History… Chemistry…” Knox trailed off. “So, basically everything.”

There was a knock at the door. Charlie threw the half-smoked cigarette on the floor and put it out under his heel. Neil punched him gently on the arm and tried to clear the smoke.

Almost the whole room jumped when Neil’s father opened the door.

“Father! I thought you’d gone,” Neil said. He tried not to sound upset, but his voice cracked despite his efforts. He looked around nervously as his friends greeted his father, giving the world all of his silent curses. It was funny how his father could make any affair a grim one.

He addressed the boys cordially, “Keep your seats, fellas, keep your seats…”

Neil mentally prepared himself for whatever was about to come. He wasn’t at all ready for this. He really believed his father had left already, and the fact that he didn’t shocked and disappointed him. Neil wasn’t alone in this. The tension in the room was obvious.

“Neil, I’ve just spoken to Mr. Nolan and I…”

He held his breath.

“I think you’re taking too many extracurricular activities this semester and I decided that you should drop the school annual.”

Neil shook his head, trying not to frown. “But… I’m the assistant editor this year, it… It wouldn’t be _fair_ …” He didn’t mention that _he_ didn’t want to drop the annual. If he could convince his father that it would be a burden on the other students, maybe, _maybe_ he could change his mind.

“Well, I’m sorry, Neil…”

Feeling the panic well up in his throat, he started to speak without restraint. “But, father, I _can’t_ , it wouldn’t be _fair—”_

“Fellas—” his father was quick to cut him off, “would you excuse us for a moment?”

Neil gave Knox a dejected look before reluctantly following his father out of the room. He stood with his back to the corridor wall.

“Don’t you _ever_ dispute me in public, do you understand?”

“Father, I wasn’t _disputing—_ ”

“ _After_ you finish medical school and you’re on your own, then you can do as you _damn well please_ , but until then, you do as _I_ tell you.” He spoke in a somewhat hushed tone, as if the way he was cornering Neil wasn’t already making a scene. “Is that clear?”

“Yes, sir,” he said, “I’m sorry.”

He hoped the apology might negate the guilt-trip.

“You know how much this means to your mother, don’t you?”

He smiled nervously. “Yes, sir…” When it seemed his father would continue, he added, “You know me… Always taking on too much.”

There was almost a sigh of relief when his father gave a half-hearted smile.

“Well, that’s my boy,” he shook Neil’s hand genially. “Listen, Neil, you need anything, you let us know.”

“Yes, sir.”

Neil’s father left without a word. He said goodbye through a businesslike pat on the upper arm.

Hearing the footsteps, Charlie and Knox were quick to approach Neil.

“Why doesn’t he let you do what _you_ want?” Charlie asked.

Knox shook his head in criticism. “Yeah, Neil, tell him off. It’s not like it could get any worse.”

In their own way, it seemed like an attempt to console him, but it just pissed the already sore Neil off.

“Oh, that’s _rich_ , like you guys tell _your_ parents off? Mr. Future _Lawyer_ and Mr. Future _Banker?_ ”

“Okay, so I don’t like it anymore than you do.” Charlie, who happened to be Mr. Future Banker, replied with unintentional bitterness. Meeks came to join, or at least observe, the conversation.

Neil sighed. “Well, just don’t tell me how to talk to my father, _you_ guys are the same way.”

“Alright, alright, Jesus…” Knox was burned by Neil’s irritability. “So what are you gonna do?”

“What I _have_ to do. Drop the annual…”

“Well, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it,” Charlie added, “It’s just a bunch of jerks trying to impress Nolan.”

Neil smiled indignantly. “I don’t care.” He sighed. “I don’t give a damn about any of it anyway…”  

Neil laughed quietly, but that didn’t necessarily indicate joy. Meeks changed the subject.

“Well, uh… Latin? 8:00? My room?”

The rest of the group agreed, Neil went back into his room. Meeks addressed his roommate from the doorway.

“Todd, you’re welcome to join us.”

Todd looked at him, nodding. “Thanks.”

Neil sat on the radiator, quickly tearing off his nametag. After staring wistfully out the window, he watched Todd put a framed picture face-down in a desk drawer.

“What do you think of my father?” he asked. The question sounded strange, like something he would ask a girlfriend he had just taken to meet his family. At Welton, it seemed like the way people talked about parents was a determiner of personality. Not that everyone who didn’t hate their parents were jerks. But if someone like Cameron was asked what he thought about Neil’s father, he would give exactly the answer you’d expect.

Todd shrugged, looking over his shoulder at Neil for a second but refusing to make eye contact. “Well, he’s…”

Neil waited for Todd to answer but he never finished his statement. It seemed like Todd was looking for the answer Neil wanted him to give. Neil wanted him to say he thought his father was as asshole. He thought that was obvious.

“Todd, if you’re gonna make it around here you’re gonna have to learn to speak up.” Neil went back to looking outside. “The meek may inherit the Earth, but they sure don’t make it into Harvard…”

Todd didn’t respond to this. It made Neil feel like a jerk.

“What about you?” He asked.

Todd turned to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“Your parents. What are they like?”

Todd shrugged again. “Uh… My dad’s a lawyer.”

The answer wasn’t totally unexpected. At a place like that, what your parents did seemed to dominate conversations. It wasn’t exactly what he was asking, but he went with it.

“What kind?” Neil asked.

“Real estate.”

He nodded, but didn’t say anything back. Todd didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the conversation.

“What about yours?” Todd asked after a little too long.

Neil leaned his head against the window. “An accountant…”

Todd nodded, then went back to organizing his desk. They didn’t talk until Neil got tired of silently wallowing in his misery. He turned to Todd.

“Listen, are you coming tonight?”

“To what?”

“Study group.”

Todd thought about it for a moment.

“I don’t think so,” he said, then after a while added, “thank you, though.”

* * *

Neil knocked on Meeks’ door a few minutes after eight. He could hear the others from outside and probably could have just walked in, but he would have startled them in the process, and Charlie would whine about how he made him put out his cigarette for nothing. The door creaked open an inch, and Cameron peered through the space before opening the door to let Neil in. If he _were_ a teacher, that still would have seemed pretty suspicious.

Meeks, Charlie, Knox, and Cameron were scattered around the room. Meeks’ best friend and roommate, Gerard Pitts, was another among the group.  

The room contained an exhaustive list of Neil’s close friends. He had other friends, too, of course. But if he had to choose his _best_ friends, they were it. Well, excluding Cameron. Not that he hated him, he just wouldn’t go as far as saying they were close. Or friends, really. But he didn’t hate him.

“Hey, guys,” he said as he closed the door behind him. He brought his Latin textbook, even though he knew they probably weren’t going to do much studying. Not that their study groups were never productive, but this time it seemed more like an excuse to hang out.

Pitts, the only one in the room who hadn’t really talked to him yet, greeted him over the others’ conversations.

“I ask for a dog for _years_ ,” Knox was explaining. “And every time it’s the same thing: ‘Dogs are too messy, you won’t clean up after it...’ But the _very_ _minute_ my _sister_ says she wants one, the next day they’re going to the _pound…”_

“Sisters always get treated differently,” Cameron whined.

Neil sat on the floor, putting down his book.

“Oh, yeah?” Pitts said. “Try having _three_ of them.”

“It’s not a _contest_ ,” Cameron replied. “My sister’s _little_ , too, she’s always getting special treatment…”

Pitts raised his eyebrows at him. “I thought you said it wasn’t a contest.”

Neil grinned, laughing quietly. “What kind of dog?”

Knox sighed. “Shih tzu…”

Charlie laughed. “Knoxious got a little _girl_ dog!”

A goofy smirk showed up on Pitt’s face. “More like _shit-_ zu.”

“Where’s your roommate?” Meeks asked Neil.

Neil shrugged. “Didn’t want to come…”

“Seems like a stick in the mud if you ask me,” Cameron said.

“Oh, like you’re one to talk,” Charlie replied.

Cameron glared at him. “Why do you always have to be such as asshole?”

“How do you guys expect to stand sharing a room with each other for a whole year if you can’t be in the same room for five minutes?”

Neil asked this question lightheartedly, trying to ease the tension between them. Charlie ruined it.

“By pretending he’s someone else.”

Cameron didn’t say anything back, and the topic changed. Charlie was just giving him a hard time. He did hate Cameron, but he wouldn’t say it to his face. The fact that Charlie really meant it, though, and that Cameron took it personally, kind of contradicted the “joking” nature of their banter.

Neil was somewhat disappointed that Todd didn’t come. He wondered if he didn’t like him. He must have heard what Cameron said about him, plus there was all that stuff he said about Harvard… Maybe he noticed when he called him by the wrong last name… If he was going to share a room with the same guy all year, he wouldn’t want it to be someone who hated him. Plus, Todd seemed cool. Sure, he was quiet, but that doesn’t mean he was boring. In a way, his silence made him that much more interesting. Maybe he was nervous. He seemed pretty nervous, especially in Nolan’s office. _Oh shit_ , he thought. He gave him a pretty mean look then. Maybe he noticed. Maybe Todd really just thought he was an asshole. He wasn’t an asshole… Or he didn’t think he was. Either way, he didn’t want Todd to think he was. But he could fix it, he reminded himself. He may have gotten off on the wrong foot, but he could make it up to him. Somehow—

“Neil?”

Neil blinked and looked up at Charlie, who was watching him stare off into space from one of the beds.

“Neil, come on, man, what’s got your head in the clouds?” He asked. The rest of the room went quiet out of concern.

“Is it the annual?” Knox asked.

Neil shook his head. “No…”

Meeks spoke up. “What is it, pal?”

“I don’t think Todd likes me.”

“...So what?” Charlie asked.

“Please, do _you_ wanna sleep with a guy who hates your guts?”

“I don’t really wanna sleep with a guy at all,” Charlie joked. That comment made Neil feel sick to his stomach.

“You know what I mean.”

Charlie handed Neil his cigarette so he could take a drag.

“Don’t sweat it, Neil,” Knox said. “He probably likes you just fine.”

Neil sighed and rested his head against the wall, closing his eyes. Despite the shitty day he had, he smiled. He could at least try to enjoy the company of his friends. “I guess you’re right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know deep down that Meeks' name is spelled "Stephen" but everyone (even Wikipedia) spells it with a V so I gave in to peer pressure. Special shoutout to the person who left kudos on this story 4 times. This isn't sarcastic. I am eternally grateful. Bless you.


	3. Day One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The year is off to an interesting start after a bizarre demonstration by the new English teacher.

**8:00-8:50 Chemistry**

**Dr. Geraci (Room 112)**

“Pick three laboratory experiments from the project list and report on them every five weeks.” 

Todd wrote _EVERY 5 WEEKS_ on the top of the paper before peeking inside the textbook. 

“The first twenty questions at the end of chapter one are due tomorrow.” 

The class groaned, and Todd hesitated to contribute an exasperated sigh.

 

**8:55-9:45 Latin**

**Mr. McAllister (Room 201)**

“Agricolis…” 

The rest of the class echoed the words monotonously. Todd, not wanting his voice to be distinguished from the others, spoke in a whisper. He wondered when he was ever going to have a conversation about farming in Latin. 

“Again, please.”

The class droned on.

“ _ Agricola… agricolae… _ ”

 

**9:50-10:40 Trigonometry**

**Dr. Hager (Room 108)**

“Your study of trigonometry requires  _ absolute  _ precision.” 

Todd looked down at his desk nervously as Dr. Hager paced around the room. 

“Anyone failing to turn in any homework assignment will be penalized one point off their final grade…” 

Todd looked up to see him standing over one of Neil’s friends. Charles Dalton, if he remembered correctly. 

“Let me urge you now not to test me on this point.” 

 

**10:45-11:30 Lunch**

Todd was too sick to his stomach to try eating and he wasn’t allowed to study, so he resorted to looking down at the table. When he got bored and looked up, he noticed his roommate staring at him absentmindedly from across the room. They both quickly looked away after making eye contact. Todd felt too hot all of a sudden and went out to the courtyard to cool down.

 

**11:35-12:25 Study Hall**

The room was so quiet, Todd almost felt like he was the only person there. He appreciated the level of focus it granted him, but at the same time, he found it creepy. He looked around every so often just to make sure he wasn’t alone. He wondered for a moment if this place might be haunted, but he tried to push that possibility out of his mind. As soon as he started to regain his train of thought, he was again distracted when Neil came over to his table. 

_ “Todd.” _

His whisper echoed throughout the room. Todd blushed when he noticed some of the other students looking at them. 

Neil scribbled something down into a notebook and placed it on the table. 

_ STUDY GROUP MEEKS & PITTS’ ROOM 7:30  _

_ DO YOU WANT TO COME? _

Todd twirled his pencil between his fingers, thinking. He wrote down a response. 

_ MAYBE _

Neil smiled and Todd watched him make his way back to his seat. He noticed himself smiling, too. When he thought about what it would be like if he actually  _ went _ , though, his nervousness overwhelmed his amusement. 

 

**12:30-1:20 United States History**

**Mr. Orville (Room 213)**

The transition back into class was a little difficult, with Todd debating whether or not he was going to go to the study group thing. He tuned back into the teacher’s words after telling himself he would figure it out later. 

“You will be expected to write an essay summarizing the events and impact of each era at the end of every chapter.” 

Todd looked over the syllabus, trying to estimate how many essays he would be writing for that class alone. He felt his heart start to beat faster. 

“These essays are worth 70% of your final grade.”

Todd wondered if he was ever going to have time to do anything but schoolwork. The more depressing thought was whether or not he had anything else to do. 

 

**1:25-2:15 English**

**Mr. Keating (Room 202)**

Todd looked around the room for his desk, sighing after finding that it was in the front row. He set his books down and looked around to see that the teacher was not in the room. Shortly after he made this realization, though, a faint whistling came from behind the door to the teacher’s office. The room went quiet, watching as the new teacher, Mr. Keating, entered the classroom. Just as soon as he came in, he walked out into the hallway.

After waiting long enough, the baffled students looked to each other for answers as to what was going on. Todd thought they were probably meant to follow him, but he wouldn’t be the first to go. 

Mr. Keating peeked back into the room.

“Well, come on,” he said. 

The boys stood up from their desks and filed out into the hall, quietly giggling and murmuring at the odd scene. 

The conversation continued as they stood in a crowd outside the classroom. Todd noticed his palms starting to sweat. Mr. Keating stood in front of the trophy case on the wall, waiting for the class to quiet down. 

The chatter slowly died.

“O Captain, My Captain.” 

The class looked confused at their teacher’s proud remark.

“Who knows where that comes from?” He asked after a short pause. “Anybody?” 

Classmates whispered amongst each other. 

“It’s from a poem by Walt Whitman, about Mr. Abraham Lincoln,” he explained. “Now, in this class, you can either call me  _ Mr. Keating, _ or, if you’re slightly more daring,  _ O Captain My Captain.” _

As the others chuckled, Todd decided he wasn’t daring enough for the latter and would settle for a plain old  _ Mr. Keating. _

“Now, let me dispel a few rumors before they fester into facts,” Mr. Keating said. “Yes, I, too, attended Hellton… And survived. And no, at that time I was not the mental giant you see before you. I was the intellectual equivalent of a ninety-eight-pound weakling… I would go to the beach, and people would kick copies of Byron in my face.” 

The class laughed weakly, but it was more likely because they were trying to get on the new teacher’s good side than because they thought it was funny. 

Mr. Keating continued, “Now, Mr… Pitts…? That’s a rather unfortunate name…” 

There was more laughter, this time more genuine. Todd remembered the name from when Neil asked him about the study group. 

“Mr. Pitts, will you open your hymnal to page 542? Read the first stanza you find there.” 

A student, very tall, with dark hair and braces, opened his textbook and squinted at the page. 

“‘To The Virgins, to Make Much of Time’...?” He asked. 

“Yes, that’s the one,” Mr. Keating said over giggles at the word ‘virgins.’ “Somewhat appropriate, isn’t it?” 

Todd couldn’t help but laugh at that one. 

“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,” Pitts started, “Old Time is still a-flying… And this same flower that smiles today… Tomorrow will be dying.” 

“Thank you, Mr. Pitts.” Mr. Keating smiled. “ _ ‘Gather ye rosebuds while ye may…’ _ The Latin term for that sentiment is  _ carpe diem _ . Now, who knows what  _ that  _ means?” 

Todd saw Stephen Meeks raise his hand. 

“Carpe diem,” he smiled as he explained. “That’s ‘seize the day.’” 

Mr. Keating nodded. “Very good, Mr.—” 

“Meeks.” 

“Meeks—another unusual name,” he said. “... _ Seize the day…  _ ‘Gather ye rosebuds while ye may…’ Why does the writer use these lines?” 

Neil’s friend Charles spoke up. “Because, he’s in a hurry.” 

_ “No!” _ Mr. Keating imitated a buzzer on a game show. “Thank you for playing anyway.” 

The class broke out into laughter. 

“It’s because we are food for worms, lads,” Mr. Keating interrupted. 

A silence overtook them. 

“Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.” 

A few students shifted uncomfortably. Todd found himself moving closer, listening intently. 

“I’d like you to step forward over here…” 

The class joined Mr. Keating at the trophy case. “Peruse some of the faces from the past… I’m sure you’ve walked past them many times, but I don’t think you’ve really looked at them…” 

Todd found himself looking at a black and white photograph of what looked like a soccer team. 

“Not that different from you, are they?” Mr. Keating asked. “Same haircuts… Full of hormones, just like you… Invincible, just like you feel… The world is their oyster. They believe they’re destined for great things, just like many of you. Their eyes are full of hope, just like you…” 

Todd couldn't help but stare into the eyes of one of the former students. 

“Did they wait until it was too late to make their lives even  _ one iota _ of what they were capable…? Because you see, gentlemen… These boys are now fertilizing daffodils.” 

He felt a chill run down his back. 

“But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Listen…”  

Todd leaned in, furrowing his brow. 

The room was silent for far too long. Until, suddenly, a faint murmur became audible. 

_ “Carpe…” _

He jumped, goosebumps forming on the back of his neck. 

_ “Carpe… Carpe… Diem…” _

Todd noticed a strange tightness in his chest. 

_ “Seize the day, boys… Make your lives… Extraordinary…”  _

All of a sudden, the bell rang. Todd questioned how that could have possibly taken the whole period. It was sort of creepy. He began to feel very strange. Or maybe he had been feeling strange the whole time. Something made him feel just a little more energetic, and he found himself getting lost in thought as he followed Neil and his friends out the door. What was really strange about it, though, was that the thoughts didn’t contain a shred of worry. 

Pitts shook his head. “That was  _ weird…” _

“But different,” Neil said. 

_ It  _ was  _ different…  _

Knox, looking exhausted, followed the group down the stairs. “Spooky if you ask me…” 

“Think he’ll test us on that stuff?” Cameron asked. 

“Oh, come on, Cameron,” Charles replied. “Don’t you get anything?” 

“What?” Cameron seemed genuinely confused.  _ “What?” _

The group split up and Todd made his way back to his dorm room alone. Neil said something about a chemistry club meeting and that he would be back later. 

Todd set his books on his desk, just now realizing how tired his arms were. Anxious to change out of his uniform, he replaced his button-down, slacks, and tie for a sweater and khakis. It was surprisingly chilly for late August. 

Sighing as he sat to do his work, he took out a pencil and opened his notebook to a blank page. He stared at the lined paper, thinking hard. He couldn’t remember what he was trying to do… One phrase repeated over and over in his mind, making it impossible to focus on anything else. After wracking his brain for another minute, he copied it down in huge letters, taking up the entire page. 

_ SEIZE THE DAY _

He started at it for a moment before deciding it needed punctuation. 

_ SEIZE THE DAY !  _

Todd let out another sigh, reading over what he wrote. Writing it down seemed to get it out of his head, and it was replaced by a list of assignments. He started to feel silly about how serious he was taking the whole thing and ripped out the page, crumpling it into a ball and tossing it into the wastebasket. He decided instead to finish up his science questions, just one of many homework assignments that would be due the next day. He worried about what the rest of the year was going to be like if the  _ first day  _ was this tough. He had work in every class.

Except English.

He again started to think about the lesson Mr. Keating gave just a little while ago. It definitely wasn’t anything he expected… It was different. It was new and it was interesting. It made him wonder if maybe this year wouldn’t be so bad after all. He smiled to himself, opening his notebook to the front page. On the inside cover, he decided to write a more poetic message with the same sentiment, trying to remember the exact wording. He took his time to write it neatly.

_ GATHER YE ROSEBUDS WHILE YE MAY.  _


	4. The Most Beautiful Girl I've Ever Seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The only thing Knox gets out of a trip to the Danburry's house is an unbelievable crush on his former high-school bully's girlfriend.

Knox started to dress after a short shower, not wanting to risk being late. He wasn’t exactly excited to go, but if he didn’t show up on time, he would be getting an angry phone call from his dad as soon as class was over the very next day. 

As he combed his hair in the mirror, he heard a teacher yell from the doorway. 

“Let’s go, boys, hustle up in here! That means  _ you,  _ Dalton!”

Charlie flipped him off when his back was turned. 

“Everyone still up for study group tonight?” Meeks asked. 

As the others verified their attendance, Knox declined sorely. 

“I can’t make it, guys,” he said. “I have to have dinner at the  _ Danburry’s  _ house tonight…” 

Meeks raised his eyebrows at his reflection and put on his glasses. “ _ Dan _ burry? As in  _ Chet  _ Danburry?” 

“Don’t remind me,” Knox said. 

Meeks, Pitts, and Neil broke out into a simultaneous, “I  _ hate  _ that guy…” 

“Why the Danburry’s?” Charlie asked.

“Friends of my dad’s,” Knox replied. “They’re probably in their nineties or something…” 

“Anything’s better than Hellton hash,” Neil chimed in.

Knox watched him as he snapped his fingers in front of his roommate’s face to ask if he was going to study group. Todd was still clothed and unshowered, seemingly waiting for all the others to vacate. He thought he seemed a little strange about that kind of thing. To be fair, though, even after all those years at boarding school, Knox still felt a little weird showering with a bunch of other guys. Neil seemed pissed off when Todd declined, and what Knox thought was really weird was how much he cared about something like that. 

He slipped out of the room and made his way to his dorm to finish getting dressed. He only put his uniform back on. He didn’t know how to dress, and figured that it would be formal enough, and if it was too stuffy, it could be assumed that he didn’t have time to change. 

Knox waited glumly for Dr. Hager to come down and get him. He wanted more than anything to find some way to get out of it, but at that point it was too late. He had much better things to do than to listen to his dad’s lame friends talk about college or the stock market or some other soul-suckingly dull thing. 

And then there was Chet Danburry, which was a whole other animal. 

He watched Dr. Hager come down the stairs, and the pit in his stomach got deeper. 

“Ready, Overstreet?” he asked. 

“Ready, sir,” Knox replied, following him reluctantly out the door. 

The car ride was short; Knox probably could have walked or ridden his bike if he wanted to. The dread made it seem ten times longer, combined with the awkwardness of being in alone in a car with your seventy-something-year-old math teacher. Mostly, he just couldn’t get his mind off of his imminent reunion with Chet Danburry. 

Chet was the biggest asshole he could think of off the top of his head. He was the epitome of the stereotypical shove-the-nerdy-kid-in-the-locker, cocky, stupid, football-worshipping jock jerk. 

Except for the fact that Welton didn’t have lockers. Or a football team. Knox had a theory that the school’s lack of one made Chet flunk out on purpose, but he also wanted to think that it was a reflection of his lack of intelligence. Regardless, he was relieved when he heard that Chet was kicked out. He had looked forward to his future without torment from Chet Danburry, and was upset to know that he hadn’t really seen the last of that dumb brute. 

Knox looked down at his feet as he rang the doorbell, sighing for about the millionth time that night. He didn’t want anyone to answer. He would have been fine standing there for the rest of his life as long as he didn’t have to go inside. To his dismay, he heard the door open, and he made himself look up to greet his host for the evening. He expected to see Mr. or Mrs. Danburry, and hoped that he wouldn’t see Chet, but someone completely different stood in the doorway.

His heart stopped. What he instead saw before him would turn his whole world upside down. 

A girl, who looked about his age, stood in the doorway. She had blonde hair that was pulled back into a ponytail, and wore a white headband that rested above her bangs, the color matching the rest of her outfit. She had a very fair complexion, with light eyes, either blue or green, but Knox couldn’t tell in darkness of dusk. The contrasting light from inside the house almost gave her a glowing aura, and Knox wondered if he might be dreaming. He thought she looked like an angel. Then, he thought that was cliché, and that she looked like a girl who could be in the movies. He thought maybe he’d seen someone who looked like her in one before, but couldn’t remember who. 

“Can I help you?” she asked after Knox hadn’t said anything for a while, interrupting his train of thought and bringing him crashing back into the real world. 

Knox struggled to find something to say. Actually, he seemed to have trouble breathing normally. 

“Hi,” Knox said anxiously, his breath audible. “Knox Overstreet— Um— Dr. Hager—” 

Dr. Hager took off his hat as he greeted her. Something about her presence didn’t add up, but he didn’t know what. 

“This  _ is _ the Danburry’s, right?” Knox asked. 

She blinked at him. “Are… Are you here to see Chet?”

Knox looked at her confusedly, squinting. “Mrs. Danburry…?” 

She blushed, laughing uncomfortably. “No…” 

“I’m sorry,” an older woman said, coming to the door. Knox felt embarrassed enough to be sick to his stomach. “I’m Mrs. Danburry. You must be Knox.” She looked over at the girl. “Thank you, Chris.” 

_ Chris. _

“Yes,” Knox said, inexplicably choked up. 

“Back by 9:00?” Ms. Danburry asked. 

Dr. Hager left as Knox went inside. As soon as he was in the door, the man he assumed was _Mr._ Danburry came to shake his hand. 

“Knox,” he said enthusiastically. “How are you? Joe Danburry.” 

“Nice to meet you, sir,” Knox said, glancing around the room.

Mr. Danburry slapped Knox on the shoulder with what must have been a newspaper, but it took him a while to feel it. 

“Well, he’s the spitting image of his father, isn’t he?” 

The comment normally would have made Knox uncomfortable, but this time he was far too distracted to care. 

“How is he?” Mr. Danburry asked as he started to lead Knox to the living room. 

“Oh, he’s great,” he replied unconvincingly. “He just did a big case for GM.” 

He looked over his shoulder, trying to see where Chris had gone off to. 

“I know where  _ you’re  _ headed,” Mr. Danburry said, patting him on the back. “Like father, like son, huh?” 

Knox didn’t respond, his heart racing when he saw a girl lying on the living room carpet, listening to a CD player.. After noticing her brown hair, he was disappointed and relieved. 

“Meet our daughter, Virginia,” Mr. Danburry said. “Hey, turn that down, will you?” 

_ “Virginia, _ say hello!” Mrs. Danburry scolded as her daughter turned down the volume. 

“It’s  _ Ginny, _ mom!” she protested, smiling at Knox. “Hi.” 

Knox didn’t respond, sitting down across from Mr. and Mrs. Danburry as he continued to search for Chris. The image of her beauty he held in his memory was starting to fade, and he longed for a reminder.

“Did I ever tell you about the case we had together?” Mr. Danburry asked. 

He began to wonder how Chris fit into the picture. He’d never heard of a Chris Danburry before. Although, he had never heard of a Virginia Danburry, either.

Knox looked at Mr. Danburry, just then realizing that he had asked him a question. “Oh! No—No.”

“He didn’t tell you what  _ happened?”  _ He replied in shock. 

Knox shook his head. “No.” 

“Oh, well,” he continued, gesticulating with a cigar in his hand as he excitedly started the story. “We were  _ really  _ stuck. I was sure I had lost the biggest case of my life.” 

Knox tried hard to listen, or at the very least look like he was, but he kept looking over his shoulder. He struggled to find the relation. 

_ Is she their daughter? _

He looked over at Mr. Danburry. 

“—came to me and told me he could weasel a settlement, but only if I gave him the entire—” 

No. She didn’t look anything like him. Or any of the Danburry's, for that matter.

Knox’s vision immediately turned to the staircase after hearing footsteps and chatter, and he again tuned Mr. Danburry’s animated speech. 

“You know what I did?” 

Knox heard the question, but in his stupor forgot to respond for a while. “No, no…” 

“I let him have it,” Mr. Danburry replied. 

He followed his comment with the most ridiculous laugh he had ever come from another person’s mouth, and Knox couldn’t help but smile. The fact that it was in response to something so entirely unfunny, or interesting for that matter, made it even harder for him to take it seriously. 

“I was  _ so desperate,  _ I let your father take the  _ whole fee!” _

Mr. Danburry continued to laugh hysterically, to the apparent embarrassment of his wife and daughter. Knox smiled politely, trying to contain his own laughter. 

Mrs. Danburry stood up. “Excuse me while I go check on dinner…” 

Knox watched her leave to the kitchen, which led his gaze to Chris, who was just then walking into the living room. He couldn’t help but stare, gawking at her sheer beauty, until he noticed something that made his heart sink. 

Chris wasn’t alone. Standing next to her, with his arm around her shoulders: 

Chet. 

Danburry. 

Knox watched in horror as Chet and Chris stood in the doorway. Chet didn’t seem to notice Knox at all, but Knox looked at him with distaste. 

“Dad, can I take the Caddy?” Chet asked quickly.

Mr. Danburry paused for a moment, seeming hesitant to indulge so readily with Knox watching. “What’s wrong with your car…?” 

Mrs. Danburry stopped in front of the couple. “Chet, where are your manners?!” 

She turned to face Knox. 

“This is my son, Chet, and his girlfriend, Chris Noel,” she added. “This is Knox Overstreet.” 

_ Oh no… Girlfriend…  _

Not only had she confirmed his worst fears, but now Chet’s attention had been turned to Knox. He looked at Chris to help him keep a polite smile despite his sudden change in mood. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Knox said, standing, and trying to keep himself together. “We’ve sort of met…” 

Chet rolled his eyes and looked away. It was almost as if he had never talked to Knox in his life, which pissed him off more than a little bit. He and Chet shared a room for an entire semester, until he practically begged for them to be separated. By some stroke of luck the administration granted his wish, going against their usual Life Isn’t Fair, Suck It Up policy. There was no way that Chet didn’t remember him. 

“Yes, hi,” Chet said quickly. “Uh,  _ dad?” _ He gestured between himself and Chris, giving his father an angry look. “Come on, why is it such a big deal?” 

Knox stood there, aloof, now caught in the middle of a family argument as well as his own turbulent emotions.

Mr. Danburry shook his head, looking for something to say. “Well, because, Chet, I bought you a  _ sports car _ and now suddenly you want to take  _ my car  _ all the time…” 

“Yes, dad, we know, but Chris’ mom feels safer when we’re in a bigger car,” Chet said with a rehearsed timbre. “Right, Chris?” 

Chris, who until then had said nothing, responded, “It’s okay, Chet…” 

“No, it’s  _ not  _ okay,” Chet continued. “Dad, what’s the problem?” 

Mr. Danburry stood up. “No, no, no, Chet, now we have to talk about this—”

Chet began to protest.

Mr Danburry started to lead his son out of the room. “No, no, I’m not getting  _ mad _ —” 

The two left to discuss the matter privately. Knox did not feel any relief, because now that Chet and Mr. Danburry were gone, he was  _ alone _ with  _ Chris…  _ Discluding Chet’s sister. 

She gave him an uncomfortable look. The argument was barely audible. Knox wondered what Mr. Danburry expected. You can’t name your son  _ Chet  _ and expect him not to be an asshole. He fought the urge to make this comment out loud. 

“So, uh, Chris…” Knox said instead. “...Where are you in school?”

“Ridgeway High,” she said, moving further into the room. Knox held his breath as she looked down at Virginia. “How do you like Henley Hall, Gin?” 

Knox blushed as Chris turned her attention towards him. 

“Isn’t that your sister’s school?” she asked. 

Knox, wondering how she got that information, looked around awkwardly. It wasn’t, his sister had never gone there, and he wasn’t sure how she knew he had a sister in the first place, but he just nodded anyway.

“Sort of,” he said. 

Mesmerized, Knox watched her sit on the floor. 

“So, Gin, are you gonna try out for the Henley Hall play…?” 

“Maybe,” Ginny replied after a moment of thought. 

Chris said to Knox, “They’re doing  _ A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” _

Knox nodded quickly. 

“You know, you really should, Gin…” she continued. Just as she was about to say something else, Knox accidentally interrupted her. 

“So, how’d you meet Chet?” he asked. 

“He plays football for Ridgeway,” Ginny said. 

“And I’m a cheerleader,” Chris added, looking at the Welton Academy insignia on Knox’s breast pocket. “He used to go to Welton, but he flunked out…”

Knox laughed. “Yeah. I know.” 

“Chris?” Chet’s voice called for her from the hallway. 

Knox felt rage begin to well up inside of him. Chris just stood, smiling. 

“C’mon, let’s go.” He waved a set of car keys in front of her. “I got it.” 

Knox, disheartened, watched as she walked away. She turned to him. 

“It was nice meeting you, Knox,” she said. “Bye.” 

Knox nodded. He wanted to say something back, but he was too depressed to speak. He walked over to the window, watching through the curtains as they kissed in the front seat of Chet’s father’s Cadillac… He groaned in despair.  

“Something wrong?” Ginny asked. 

_ “No!” _ Knox jumped, having forgotten he wasn’t the only one in the room. “No, no… Everything’s fine.” 

* * *

Knox closed the door after entering the common room, leaning against it in exasperation. He couldn’t believe his misfortune. He sighed as loud as he was capable, and his friends stopped what they were doing to look at him.

“How was dinner?” Charlie asked lightheartedly.  

Knox looked over at them somberly. “Huh?” 

“How was dinner?” he repeated. 

“Terrible,” Knox said, hanging his jacket on the back of the chair before he sat down.  _ “Awful.” _

“What?” Cameron asked. “What happened?” 

Knox shook his head. 

“Tonight…” he started in a whisper, smiling despite himself, “I met the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my entire life…” 

“Are you crazy?” Neil asked, “What’s wrong with that?” 

Knox’s smile quickly faded. “She’s practically  _ engaged—”  _

The others held their breath as he paused dramatically. Charlie gave him a look that questioned why that was such a big deal. 

“—to  _ Chet Danburry _ .” 

They all groaned. 

Charlie said, “That guy could eat a football.” 

“That’s too bad,” Pitts said, looking down. 

“Too bad?” Knox said. “It’s worse than too bad, Pittsie, it’s a fucking tragedy. A girl  _ this  _ beautiful in love with such a  _ jerk…” _

“All the good ones go for jerks,” Pitts said. “You know that.” 

“Yeah, forget her,” Cameron said, obviously itching to change the subject. “Hey, open your trig book and try to figure out—”

Knox interrupted annoyedly, “I can’t just  _ forget _ her, Cameron… and I  _ certainly  _ can’t think about  _ trig _ .” 

The group shared a quiet, pensive moment, before their thoughts were interrupted by feedback and radio static. 

Meeks and Pitts jumped up instinctively, nearly dropping the parts of the complicated machine that was supposed to serve as a homemade radio. 

_ “We got it!” _ Pitts proclaimed. 

Just as soon as they began to celebrate their success, the door opened.

“Alright, gentleman,” Dr. Hager announced. “Five minutes.” 

Knox watched as they pulled his jacket off the back of his chair, using it to cover the contraption. Dr. Harger gave them a suspicious look and everyone started to pack up. 

Charlie stood quickly, leaning over Knox. 

“Did you see her naked?” he asked. 

“Very funny, Dalton,” Knox said, following him out the door without his jacket. 

Knox purposely took a very long time to get ready for bed, wanting to avoid being alone with his thoughts after lights out, but eventually he found himself lying awake in the dark. 

He tried to get his mind off of it, but Chris permeated every thought. The minute he had seen her, it was like every aspect of his being changed, and now he couldn’t think of anything but her. His roommate snored loudly next to him, and Knox turned over on his side, putting his pillow over his head. It was no use, he wasn’t going to sleep anyway. 

He remembered, at least, who it was she reminded him of. A blonde version of the creepy girl in that Beetlejuice movie. At least from what he could remember, they looked alike. If not, though, he thought Hollywood needed someone who looked like her. Then he started to feel kind of stupid about it, though.

He groaned and turned over again. The more he thought about her, the harder it was going to be to eventually get to sleep. But he just couldn’t stop. He couldn’t stand the thought of her spending another second with that jerk. 

He wondered if maybe she didn’t have to. 

Almost immediately, he brushed that idea off as being too crazy. He was too scared of Chet. And he was even more afraid of rejection. There was no way he could muster up the confidence to even attempt something like that. 

He remembered classes earlier that day. It was strange how long ago it felt. That night felt like an entirely different week. Really, it felt like an entirely different lifetime. 

But he thought about that new teacher, Mr. Keating. He recalled his description of his high-school self as a ninety-eight-pound weakling. In this case, Knox felt like the ninety-eight-pound weakling. Chet Danburry was the bully kicking sand in his face.

As he continued to wallow in his despair, obsessing over the analogy, he thought about it for a minute more. He remembered the message Mr. Keating spent most of the class trying to teach, the one that he’d previously written off as “spooky.” 

All the stuff about carpe diem and seize the day, and the poem about the virgins and the rosebuds. 

He had to admit, it was a pretty good point. His way of addressing it was still a little spooky. But Knox wondered if he was right. Maybe one day, a long, long time from then, just as he was about to die, he would look back on when he was seventeen years old. And he wondered if he would regret not doing anything. If he would die unhappily married to a woman he didn’t truly love. Or, even worse, alone. He had a disturbing image of using his dying breath to utter her name. 

It all suddenly made sense to him. Thinking about a future without Chris made him even more miserable than he already was. He had never felt this way about any girl he’d ever met before, and he had only known Chris for an hour or two. He had to do something. At least, he had to try. 

The Danburry's, and therefore his father, would be furious with him. But at the same time, his father would have told him to be a man, to take initiative, that if he wanted something in life he would have to go out and get it.

Chet would be enraged. He wouldn’t take it lying down. He would want revenge, and he was about twice—no—three times Knox’s size. He could kill him. Really,  _ kill _ him. 

He wondered, though, was love worth dying for? 

He shrugged. 

_ Maybe. _

Knox sat up, sitting silently in the dark. He told himself he would decide in that very moment whether he was going to let it go, or go with his gut.

At that point, he didn’t think he was capable of letting it go. He couldn’t bear the thought of never talking to Chris again, and he couldn’t be  _ just friends. _ He couldn’t forget her if he tried. Knox had never felt that way about a girl before, and he had to let her know, no matter what the consequences might be. He could handle Chet Danburry, and Chet Danburry’s father, and his own father. He could handle anything and anyone that stood in his way. He could do this. 

Probably.

He shook his head at the second guess.

_ No, not probably. Definitely.  _

That was it. He made his decision, and he was going to stick with it. No turning back now.

Knox laid back slowly. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore his nausea. The sound of his own heart pounding was louder than anything else in the room. 

_ What have I gotten myself into? _

He turned onto his side and prepared to function tomorrow morning on little to no sleep.

“Carpe diem,” he whispered to himself sarcastically, knowing he was going to be up all night. 

_ More like carpe noctem,  _ he thought. He turned out the light. 

Among the daydreams of Chris Noel that he used to fill the seven hours until his alarm rang, Knox reflected on the fresh new feeling everything seemed to have. It started out just like any other day, but now, it felt to him like the first day of the rest of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to steer away from rewriting scenes directly from the movie/deleted scenes as much. If you're reading this, you've probably already seen the movie, so I'm trying to add more that comes straight from my own mind and heart. Once it gets more towards the middle of the story I think there will be a lot more of that, and I already have quite a bit planned, but the beginning has ended up being a lot of the movie. Sorry! It's all gradual. Gay stuff will happen. Teenage shenanigans will happen ....(anderperry will happen)..... All in good time. In the meantime, here's Knox being dumb.


	5. The Chapter Where Todd Agrees to Socialize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After asking about a million times, Neil finally gets Todd to come to study group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is FINALLY finished. School has been absolutely kicking my ass and I got writer's block halfway through. It feels like kind of a filler chapter and the pacing is a little off but what's done is done.

_ “Todd!” _

When Todd kept walking, Neil started to run to catch up with him, cursing after he dropped his English textbook into the grass. He stopped to pick it up, following him at a brisk pace. Todd turned around, and Neil slowed to a stop. 

“Are you coming this time?” Neil asked. 

Todd looked at him confusedly. “To… what?” 

Neil smiled at him, rocking back on his heels. 

“...Study group?” 

Todd continued to walk in the direction of the dorm building, and Neil stayed at his side. 

“I don’t know, Neil…” Todd said. 

Neil felt like he had the exact same interaction with Todd a dozen times, despite only meeting him a few days ago, and every time he got the same answer, and there was a good chance he would yet again. But he was nothing if not persistent. 

“Why not?” 

Todd shrugged. 

Neil blushed and tried to conceal his disappointment. 

“Come on,” he said playfully. “It has to be more fun than hanging alone in your room like a recluse.” 

“Trust me,” Todd replied, walking faster. “It won’t be.” 

Neil matched his speed. “How do you know?” 

“Because I know,” Todd said. 

“Can’t you just… Try?” Neil asked. “How do you know you won’t like it if you’ve never—”

“Because,” Todd interrupted in exasperation, shaking his head. “It… It’s not my thing.” 

Neil looked at him questioningly. 

Todd sighed, mumbling, “There’s gonna be a lot of people there and I—I just don’t want to.”

Neil looked down at his shoes as he walked, sighing. Getting to know his roommate was proving to be a difficult task, and Neil had made a tacit (and nearly unachievable) goal to help him make some friends. In a lot of ways, the challenge only encouraged him. 

“All the other guys want you to come,” Neil pleaded.

Todd stopped dead in his tracks, looking at him in disbelief. To be truthful, none of them had ever explicitly said so, but he was sure they felt that way. A couple of  _ why doesn’t your roommate do anything, ever _ type comments practically served the same purpose, anyway. 

“ _ They  _ want me to come?” Todd asked skeptically. 

Neil gave him a look. “Why wouldn’t they?” 

Todd opened his mouth, and for a heartbreaking moment, it seemed like he was going to answer, but he never did. They just stared at each other, not saying a word. Neil was partially curious about what he might have said. 

A lot about him made Neil oddly sad. He was just so lonely. It was more than introversion, it was almost insecurity. Todd was sheepish and withdrawn, but Neil was caught up on this inexplicably mysterious quality he detected in him. He assumed there must be some great thing that deep inside himself that he was too embarrassed to show. Or, perhaps, a lot of little, good things. It was also very possible that he was trying to make something out of nothing. He enjoyed spending time with Todd, at least, and that was reason enough to invite him. 

“So?” Neil asked.

Todd sighed. Neil saw him think about it, and waited in anticipation. 

“Maybe.”

Neil was struck with troubling feeling of familiarity, and he pried for a more specific answer. 

“Is that a ‘yes’ maybe or a ‘no’ maybe?” 

“It’s a maybe,” Todd said with more irritability. 

“You said that yesterday,” Neil said.

“And?” 

_ “And  _ then you didn’t come. As far as I’m concerned, ‘maybe’ might as well be ‘no.’” 

“Well…” Todd said. “Then it’s a  _ probably. _ ” 

“Alright,” Neil said, laughing. “I’ll take it!” 

Neil, satisfied and detecting that Todd started to need some space a long time ago, broke away from his side by quickening his pace. 

“W-wait,  _ Neil!”  _ Todd shouted. 

Neil quickly faced him, beaming. He saw Todd’s cheeks adopt a bashful hue following his outburst. 

“W—What time?” 

 

* * *

 

 

Neil opened the door just enough to poke his head in. 

“Hey guys,” he said, grinning. “Sorry I’m late.”

“Neil!” Charlie said. “Come in. And close the door!” 

“Hold on!” Neil came in, closing the door most of the way behind him. “I brought someone I think you’re going to like.” 

Everyone (Charlie, Meeks, Knox, Pitts, and Cameron) sat patiently, murmuring in confusion and curiosity as Neil went back out into the hall. 

Neil watched Todd shift anxiously, and he started to worry that maybe he was asking too much of his obviously timid roommate. 

“Aren’t you going to go in?” Neil whispered. 

Todd looked at him, his face florid. He said nothing, but shook his head as chatter could be heard through the wall. 

“What’s wrong?” he asked. 

Todd huffed. “There’s just a lot of p-people, Neil, I—”

“So they’ll hardly notice you’re there,” Neil replied, hoping that wasn’t, in fact, the problem. 

He sighed. “What if they do…? What am I gonna say?” 

Neil shrugged.

“If they—I don’t think I can—” Todd cut himself off, looking at the ground.  

“Who says you have to say anything?” Neil reasoned, after realizing Todd wasn’t going to conclude his thought. 

“I don’t know…” Todd said hollowly. 

“Just trust me,” Neil replied. “It won’t be that bad. And if it is, you never have to come again. Alright?” 

“...Alright.”

Neil opened the door again, almost pushing Todd into the room with him. A few of the occupants broke out in raucous surprise.

“If it isn’t the  _ elusive  _ Todd Anderson!” Charlie called. 

The room was filled to the brim with teenage boys and their bulky textbooks, forcing Neil and Todd to sit on either side of the closed door. 

Neil, picking up on Todd’s discomfort, was quick to divert the attention to something else. 

“Where are we, gentlemen?” he asked, excited. 

“Chemistry,” Cameron said. “Page seventy three.” 

Neil started to flip through the pages, pulling his half-finished homework from the back of the book. The group was strangely silent as most of them had begun to work by themselves. The scratching of pencils on paper could be heard along with the ticking of a clock. He took a moment to skim over the work, though it didn’t help much.

The truth was, Neil wasn’t really there because he wanted to study. He didn’t really need to, anyway, and trying to do so was going to be incredibly difficult. Already bored, he looked over at Todd, who sat staring at what appeared to be nothing. Neil looked over his shoulder, noticing that he was already finished.

Neil tapped his pen on the floor, looking at the page, but not really reading anything. He couldn’t get his eyes to focus for long enough. He looked around the room instead, glancing at Todd again. He was pretending to be doing something now, turning ahead to later chapters in the textbook.

“Did anybody get question nine?” Knox asked. 

Todd looked up, obviously knowing the answer, but too afraid to say anything. Neil looked away, blushing, before Todd could realize his glancing had turned into staring. He was starting to feel antsy. 

“I’m sure Meeks does,” Neil said, feeling obligated to speak. 

Meeks smiled somewhat bashfully. 

“I do,” he said. 

“Don’t  _ you _ know, Neil?” Charlie asked. 

After hearing his name, Neil suddenly became aware that he had been staring again, and that he was starting to feel dizzy. What made it worse, though, was that from the corner of his eye, he realized that Todd was now staring at  _ him. _

“Why me?” Neil asked uneasily. 

“What?” Charlie said. “Don’t you wanna show off what you learned in summer school?” 

Neil, strangely caught off guard, looked at him for too long. He was put on the spot. No, that wasn’t it. Now Todd was watching him, and now he would have to get this right. His lightheadedness made it hard for him to think about anything.

He looked at the page, squinting. The words blurred together, and that’s when a sudden wave of panic set in. 

“I think I need my glasses,” he said.

As Neil left the room he became aware of the weakness in his knees. He quickly made it back to his own room, practically holding his breath the whole way. He grabbed his glasses off of his desk with shaking hands. After haphazardly putting them on, he let out a deep sigh, leaning backwards against the wall. 

His immediate alarm had started to die down, just to be replaced by worries of how his strange behavior would come across. There was nothing he could say to explain it, because he didn’t know exactly what was going on. Whatever it was, it was making him act like kind of an idiot. 

He had more than a little spacey lately. And nervous. The thing was, though, that he didn’t have anything to be nervous about. Or, more accurately, he didn’t have any more to be nervous about than usual. It was odd. It was unexplainable. Or, he told himself it was.

There was one thing, one glaringly obvious thing that he knew was different. He knew, but he wouldn’t admit to himself that he did. Because if it was what he  _ thought  _ it was, he didn’t even want to try explaining  _ why  _ it made him feel that way. 

He tried hard to force that drawer closed as soon as he had opened it. He had to pull himself together, and fast. If he took too long to explore that topic, he would take an eternity to recover. He just assured himself he’d sort it out later, which meant that he’d avoid it for as long as possible, hopefully forever. 

He took a deep breath, angry at himself for thinking about it in the first place. He didn’t have time to deal with it, and brooding over it then wouldn’t do him any good. They were probably all starting to wonder about his strange behavior. 

Then, he remembered something that he’d have to go back and fix as soon as possible. 

_ Shit.  _

He had left him alone. Todd. In a room full of people he didn’t know. With  _ Charlie. _

Neil cursed aloud, walking as fast as he could without running back to join the others. He opened the door and grinned, trying to act like nothing happened. He had no idea how things went without him, the room went silent when he walked in. 

“I’m back,” Neil said.  

Neil gave Todd an apologetic look, but felt that it was inadequate. 

“We finished without you,” Charlie said. “Anderson had all the answers.” 

Neil watched Todd as he gave a shy smile, and he couldn’t help but smile back. He appeared to be the slightest bit more comfortable, and it seemed that inviting Todd had finally paid off. 

Just as soon as Neil started to celebrate the small victory, the door swung open, hiding Todd who sat in the corner behind it. 

Dr. Hager stood in the doorway. 

“What on  _ earth  _ are you boys up to?” he asked accusingly. 

Neil leaned against the wall awkwardly as Charlie attempting to stifle his laughter. 

“Studying, sir,” Knox said matter-of-factly, trying not to smile. 

“Really?” Dr. Hager asked. “And what, exactly, are you studying?” 

Neil held his breath. The thing was, they really  _ were  _ studying. Their amusement at Todd’s disappearance made their testimonies seem false. 

Cameron coughed. 

“Chemistry,” Pitts said. 

Dr. Hager narrowed his eyes. “Chemistry?” 

“Yes, sir,” Meeks said. 

“Well, if I were you,” Dr. Hager said. “I would go back to your own rooms before someone  _ else _ finds you boys… Congregating.” 

Fortunately, Dr. Hager was one of the less strict teachers at Welton. Frankly, he was just too old. He could be a bitch when he wanted to be, and he was far from shy when giving out demerits. When it came to actual discipline, though, he just didn’t care enough.

As the door was closed, the room focused on Todd, who was still cowering in the corner. Noticing his embarrassment, Neil’s friends held their laughter. 

“That was close,” Cameron said. 

“If it had been anyone else,” Knox added. 

Meeks said, “Guess that’s it for tonight, guys.”

Plans to meet up again, maybe next time in a more public place, were being discussed as most of the group filtered into the hall. Neil watched Todd as he stood slowly, rubbing his elbow where it had been hit by the door. He smiled at him, and Todd smiled back half-heartedly. 

They walked out together.

Pitts closed the door and Neil stood by the wall, watching the others scatter. 

“Sorry about the door thing,” he said to Todd when they were alone. 

“It’s alright,” Todd said. 

Neil started to walk towards their room, laughing softly. 

“At least you wouldn’t have gotten in trouble,” he said. 

Todd nodded silently. 

“Anyway, thanks for coming,” Neil said, stopping to look at Todd. 

He nodded again, and they shared an uncomfortable silence. Neil started to walk again, but stopped to look at Todd when he realized he wasn’t following.

“Everything okay…?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” Todd said. “I just—I actually have to take a shower.” 

_ “Oh,” _ Neil said. “Alright.” 

They stood there awkwardly, looking at each other but not moving or saying anything.

“See you later,” Todd said. 

“Of course,” Neil said. 

He watched as Todd left, standing alone in the silent hallway. 

He continued to stare blankly at the space that Todd once occupied, sighing. He was proud of himself for finally convincing him to actually  _ do _ something, but wished it hadn’t been cut so short. That didn’t make him dismiss it as entirely fruitless, though. He felt, maybe a little too optimistically, that now there wasn’t quite so much distance between him and his roommate.  Things were better, if only a little.


End file.
